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| for me, the worst feeling in the world isn't when someone i loved dies. the worst feeling in the world is feeling unloved.
ps 73 - "... and earth has nothing i desire besides You."
sometimes i criticize myself for acting like God is not enough for me. why does it matter so much if i marry someone who loves me like Christ loved the church? i mean, can that really be found on earth? no one can love me like God loves me... like Christ loves us. no one. why do i disillusion myself that if i ever get married, my husband will love me like God loves me? so completely, you know? there is nothing i could ever do or have done that would drive God away or make Him love me less. (i guess you could go really theological and talk about rejecting God and what happens on judgment day, but it's not really that kind of post.) God LOVES me. He delights in me. all the strange quirks or even stubbornly wrong thoughts (like when i think i'm right but really i'm wrong and it takes eons to tell me so). the love i crave... that's how God loves me. but why do i get so sad and upset when i don't see it in others? why should i expect to see that in anyone else?
when i feel unloved, it's that sharp twinge somewhere in the region of your heart that feels like it sucks all your breath and joy into that feeling. and then crying doesn't even feel like it's enough to make that feeling go away. (isn't it weird that it really is physically near the heart?) why does it matter so much, anyway? if God loves me so much... why does it matter if no one else doesn't?
remember tim? i had never felt that heartache until i dated tim. i guess that sucks to have that as one of your legacies, but it is what it is. after that time in my life was over, i spent hours and hours and hours praying for peace. not even saying anything because there are only so many words i can say... and He gave it to me. i had my peace with God. but the heartache stayed. any friend i made and kept in contact with during that time is a friend for life. if God hadn't put them in my life, i think some stranger would have had to drag me to a psych doc. and then God brought si into my life. and He used him to soothe and heal and restore. i thought why should i be so blessed with someone who really tries to love me like You love me, Father? i mean, it could never be the absolute same, of course, but it was like... parallel? a demonstration?
someone once eluded to death of a loved one being the worst feeling in the world that warrants the worst sort of crying. i don't agree, though. when my grandpa passed away (and i loved him very much), i cried. i cried a lot and really hard... i cried and i didn't even know why exactly i was crying. a lot of things, i guess. or maybe it was just because he wasn't on earth anymore. but i knew that he loved me, and i knew that he would be with Jesus, and even though i'd miss him so much... i knew i'd see him again. i guess if i'm coldly honest about it, maybe i was just selfish, i guess. because i was crying for my own loss... for my grandpa, being with God is the ultimate, right? at any rate, in all that sadness and crying, there wasn't any feeling like the heartache that started in saint louis.
so yeah, i think the worst feeling in the world is feeling unloved. but why oh why on earth should that matter to me when i know i am loved by God?
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| i love si, but i hope i never lose the ability of relating to either side of the single-married fence. you know what i mean?
like i have no desire to go back to pre-silas, but i don't want to be one of those women that has no recollection of what it was like to be single... and therefore no ability to relate and empathize with the joys and not-so-joys of anyone who is.
that used to suck... meeting one of those people. very upchuck stimulating.
anyway, this song got me thinking about that... >) haha... i like it. i think i'm secretly a beyonce fan...
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| i love that song Who Am I? from les miserables. i used to sit and play it over and over like i'm doing now. i even remember jean valjean's prisoner number - 24601!!
success over trial. victory over selfishness. the triumph of the good in ourselves.
and man! that quiet orchestral that starts when he begins to overcome... and then builds louder and louder as his resolve builds... so perfect!!! ah, i love it.
he thinks that man is me... he knew him at a glance!
that stranger he has found, this man could be my chance!
why should i save his hide? why should i right this wrong?
when i have come so far, and struggled for so long? ....
if i speak, i am condemned. if i stay silent, i am damned!
who am i? can i condemn this man to slavery? pretend i do not see his agony?
this innocent who bears my face, who goes to judgment in my place - who am i?
can i conceal myself for evermore? pretend i'm not the man i was before?
and must my name until i die be no more than an alibi?
must i lie?? how can i ever face my fellow men? how can i ever face myself again?
my soul belongs to God, i know... i made that bargain long ago (ok, side note, this is my one contest with this song... God and our souls isn't a bargain. it's a gift.)
He gave me hope when hope was gone, he gave me strength to journey on.
who am i?
who am i??? I'M JEAN VALJEAN!
and so, javert, you see it's true... that man bears no more guilt than you!
who am i? 24601!
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| i just read an email from rup to our church group about some prayers for healing people being answered in a positive way, and some not... and how encouraging it is when you hear of someone who is healed. and the mystery of why some are healed and some not...
i don't get it, either. prayingformom.blogspot.com
so many people are praying...
my grandma's eyes...
at least some of us are praying...
people around us with cancer or fighting other chronic illnesses... is it just because we don't SEE those healings that are granted as acutely? that we don't remember the happy endings as well as the sadder ones? or is there really a lack of faith on our part?? how, though? how, though, God? if we are lacking in faith, please show us how to have more faith. "increase our faith"! (luke 17)
if we are asking in Jesus' name, if we believe that God can do all things, if it will glorify God... why are not ALL healed?? i know God works for the good of all who love Him. i know we don't know God's will/plan in these things. i know for a fact that God has saved my life more times than i realize - from illness, from averting accidents, from stupid decisions i make...
but... and this may sound greedy, but... but why not MORE???
do we not have faith like the centurion in matthew 8? i'm marking down the time - 1:30am. i prayed for gene's mom and my grandma.
5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour. Matthew 8
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| Christians aren't supposed to be world renown for their "moral upright-ness".... they're supposed to be known for their LOVE for others.
Jesus said "if you love Me, you will follow My commands"....
"as the Father loved Me, so have I loved you. now remain in My love. if you obey My commands, you will remain in My love... My command is this: love each other as I have loved you.... this is My command: love each other."
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